


There's No Pandemic in Hell

by asmo_ds



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Adventure, Comedy, Crack, Demons, seven layers of hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:20:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28246827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asmo_ds/pseuds/asmo_ds
Summary: When the government announces the quarantine has been extended, MC decides to pack their bags and head down to Hell, but they were so desperate to leave they didn’t wait for permission and instead grabbed their bike and rode all the way to their real home.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 56





	There's No Pandemic in Hell

**Author's Note:**

> "this is kind off relatable for everyone tbh. mc got pissed off when another quarantine was announced so they packed their stuff and found a way to go to the devildom on their own. none of the brothers knew that they would be staying with them, how would they react? i can imagine asmo being shocked when he sees how irritated mc's skin is because of the masks!!" - Request from Tumblr

“The governor has announced that we will be once again shutting down most businesses and we will be required to wear our masks no matter where we are, that includes restaurants, which will be closing due to the inability to eat with a mask on. Furthermore, we-” You turned off the television, groaning pulling on your mask before you headed to the market. You couldn’t believe that so many people had refused to wear masks and now you were forced back to square one of the world’s recovery from COVID-19.

As you walked down the aisle of the grocery store, you got lost in thought. Did demons ever get sick? Surely they wouldn’t be affected by COVID and they definitely wouldn’t be trapped inside their home for 95% of their day (unless you’re Leviathan and then you will happily do so). You realize you passed half of the aisles you had meant to go down, effectively missing half of your grocery list.

You feel your D.D.D vibrate in your pocket and rip it out wondering if you had missed your daily call with one of the brothers only to see the group chat was being talked in.

**Horny Man:** Heyyy anyone wanna go shopping with me?

**Horny Man:** Except Mammon, I’m not looking to go broke from his shopping trip

**Gambling Addiction:** Oi! I was gonna go with ya but now I think I’ll stay >:(

**Otaku Snek:** yea that was what Asmo wanted lolz

**Mom:** I have council business with Diavolo today.

**Bookworm:** You can call it a date y’know?

**Mom:** Satan, come to my study immediately I want to have a talk with you.

**Gambling Addiction:** Ha! It ain’t me in trouble for once

**Otaku Snek:** Anyway I can’t I have an in-person meet up with some of my teammates

**Hunger:** Asmo, may I come along so we can stop at Madame Screams?

**Horny Man:** Of course Beel ~

You silence your phone and put it in your pocket. You couldn’t stand to watch them make plans so casually. It was unfair. You wanted to go out and have fun without your mask or risking your health.

You wished you could be in the Devildom walking around breathing fresh air and not walking through eerily empty stores yelling through two masks and some plexiglass. That’s when it struck you. 

Diavolo had told you that you had a home in the Devildom and were always welcome. So why could you not just go back now? Spare yourself the acne you gain from masks and the annoyance of not being able to hang out with anybody but your reflection every day. 

You abandon your cart in your excitement, silently thanking whoever has to clean it up and apologize as you run out of the store. You make it back to your home, pulling a backpack from the depths of your closet and opening it, throwing your most needed items in, and attempting to zip the overfilled bag as you try to think of how you’d get there. 

You know that Lucifer would never allow you to come on such short notice, so you knew asking them was a no-go. You suddenly remembered someone mentioning how to get to the Devildom by foot you had to walk through the seven layers of hell and you groaned knowing it was going to be a rough journey. 

You try to figure out where the entrance to the seven layers would be, googling all sorts of demonic places where worshippers would gather. You find one that seems like a good option as it is nearby.

You get on your bike and ride to the area and start to look for any worshippers that would be willing to help you find the gate. You wander the dark woods watching carefully for raised tree roots or rocks that would cause your bike to break. 

“Stop right there !” A man in a blood-red hood calls out. “State your business.”

“Listen, dude, I know Lucifer and I wanna go see him but he can’t know yet. So tell me where the gate is,” You reply impatiently. 

“Why should I help you? You don’t even know how to open the gate! You do not deserve the help of Satan’s worshippers-” You climb off your bike putting up the kickstand and walk towards the robed stranger. You grab his collar with one fist and pull his face close to yours.

“Show. Me. The. Gate. Or so help me I’ll summon all seven lords right now and have them disembowel you and gouge your eyes out as the life leaves them. You won’t get to work for Satan as you wish for, instead, you’ll be eaten by him in the most painful torturous fashion. I have to say few words to get him here so I suggest you send me down right now, bud” You growl. The man looks as if he is about to cry and points behind him. 

“T-the cave at the end of this path. You s-should walk into it and keep following the path of torches down. There you’ll f-f-find my cult and they’ll help you out, just tell them I sent you.” The man cries out with teary eyes. You let go and take a step back, giving a sweet smile. 

“Thank you, sir! I’ll put in a good word with Satan for ya,” you wink at the man before getting on your bike, carefully continuing down the path. You were getting back to the Devildom if it killed you.

Thankfully the cave’s path was fairly smooth and you were able to ride your bike to the group the stranger had spoken of. They asked you to stop and you had a repeat of the process you took with the stranger.

“... Fine, we’ll send you down but we need a goat,”

-

The ritual was performed and you were engulfed in a dark shadowy mist. You appeared in an area clouded with a purple fog and you felt sudden drowsiness overtake you. Sloth, the closest layer to the human realm.

You smack your hands harshly to your cheeks and shake your limbs to wake yourself up. You then remember you had packed a pack of Redbull. You stopped your bike and pulled the backpack onto your lap, pulling a can out and opening it as you continue on your way. 

By the time you reach gluttony, you had downed 5 Redbulls and were sure, if you even survived the demons that eyed you hungrily in the land with red fauna and food everywhere, you’d have a heart attack when you finally get to the House of Lamentation. 

You slow your bike down a bit, knowing demons were sneaky and fast. You take off your jacket as it gets increasingly hot the lower you go. Demons lurk in shadows and eye you hungrily and you shiver. Instinctively you place a hand on your stomach as it rumbles. Gluttony.

You suddenly remember the human world snacks you had packed since you knew how badly you missed them last time you were down here. You once again pull your bag onto your lap, ripping the packaging open. The crinkle and sudden smell of food caused multiple demons to charge at you, drooling and feral looks in their eyes. You put the food in your mouth and speed off, pedaling as fast as you can to the fifth layer. 

As the sky began to turn pink you let out a sigh of relief. Until you felt a small creature

on your shoulder. You had failed to notice it when you arrived in Beel’s layer, but it was a small demon that had fallen asleep under your coat and on your shoulder in Belphegor’s area. 

“Hey there, little guy~” You coo at the creature giving it a small pet. “You wanna come back to RAD with me?” The creature nuzzles into your neck with a demonic purr. 

You were glad to at least not be alone anymore.

Entering Lust was awful as you suddenly felt hot and bothered, barely able to keep pedaling. We’re almost to Wrath, just a bit further. Ignore the horny man’s power!

The clouds in the sky begin to turn a sort of green color, making the sky look a bit like a watermelon. Too caught up in staring at the sky you suddenly hear a small caw from your shoulder opposite of the one your newest companion rested on. 

The black crow with yellow eyes stared at you tilting its head. Mammon knows I’m here you thought giving his pact mark on your collar bone a soft touch to let him know you were okay, glad it was him that knew and not another brother who was bound to tattle on you. You nodded at the bird as it fluttered its wings and flew above you.

As you paid attention to the bird and the way it kept pace with you an angry demon jumped at you, knocking you and your bike over as your small friend and the crow both made noises of surprise. 

“Hey, Kevin, it’s alright if I call you that, right sleepy head?” you looked at Kevin as he made a happy noise in response. You turn your attention back to the angry demon that had taken the form of a large feline. “Yup… this is definitely Satan’s realm,” you sigh before sprinting off in a different direction trying to get the demon off your trail. You swerve through trees for quite a bit before you are able to get back to your bike, you, Kevin, and the crow taking off at high speeds, approaching the orange wetlands. 

_Its so unfair I have to go through all of this,_ your mind wanders, _they all get to have this life without this stupid journey. So stupid._

You shake your head, urging away Leviathan’s envy and continuing to pedal down the dry path that was surrounded by an orange sea for miles. You focus on the path and stare straight ahead. 

Suddenly, Mammon’s crow caws in a panic as the water splashed upward with a creature that lunges for MC who manages to swerve and avoid the attack, pedaling faster and breathing heavily. At least I don’t have to wear the stupid mask while riding my bike anymore. 

The sky gets lighter, turning yellow and the crow flies in circles above your head cawing with the excitement of being in the layer of Greed. Gold littered the grown, jewels scattered about. It was bright and you had to squint but it was beautiful. 

Suddenly you stopped, an overwhelming urge to scoop piles of gold to bring along with you. _Mine, Mine,_ your mind raced with selfish thoughts _I need all of it._

Your eyes shimmer with the reflection of gold as you reach out fingertips brushing a shiny Grimm before Mammon’s crow bites your ear, causing you to jerk back and place your hands over the targeted appendage

Wincing you move your hand and see the blood. “What the hell asshat! Do you know how much the straps of my mask are gonna hurt to put on now, stu- oh that’s right I won’t need the mask. BUT STILL THST HURT, YOU JERK!” The crow seemed to give you attitude and you realized it probably just saved you from succumbing to the sin and being trapped in this realm forever. You start pedaling again seeing a royal blue fog ahead. 

You take a deep breath and keep going forward, trying to stay as quiet as possible, knowing any demon in Lucifer’s land would be the strongest out of any you’ve encountered thus far. 

You failed to consider the blood dripping from your earlobe attracting demons to you. Suddenly a demon tackles you, throwing your bike to the side as it pins you down, mouth watering onto your face as it stares at your bleeding ear. You scream and kick attempting to free yourself to no avail. You feel tears welling up in your eyes as sudden regret runs through you.

Why hadn’t you just asked Lucifer and waited a couple of days? Why were you so desperate to escape Corona that you literally biked to hell?

“Kevin… Crow… Thanks for coming with me,” you whimper as the titan opens its mouth wide ready to bite.

Suddenly before it can attach its mouth to you’re flesh a sword goes into its mouth and out the nape of its neck. You shiver as its blood drips onto you.

“I should’ve known why we hadn’t heard from you in weeks,” a familiar voice says as he kicks the dying demon away from your trembling body. 

You jump up and wrap your body around the torso of Lucifer, squeezing and crying. “LUCIII THAT WAS SO SCARY WHY DIDN’T YOU GET HERE SOONER” you sobbed as he took his handkerchief and wiped your tears and snot.

“Well, I wouldn’t even have known you were here if it weren’t for that idiot Mammon bursting into my office screaming about you biking your way through the layers.” He sighs and suddenly picks you up, throwing you over his shoulder as he lectures you the whole way, dragging your bike with the hand that wasn’t keeping you steady as the crow let Kevin ride on his back.

\-- 

“Ya should be thanking the GREAT Mammon for finding you and sending his best crow to find ya!” Mammon scolds as you sit on the couch, head hung in shame with Asmo and Belphie at your sides. 

Lucifer had left to go speak to Diavolo on the matter of the human exchange student walking through all seven layers of hell. 

“These guys are my favorite part of my layer,” Belphie reaches to your lap and pets Kevin, “They’re really sweet, y’know, for demons.”

“MC those masks were so bad for your skin,” Asmo puts his hands on your cheeks, twisting and turning your head to get a better look at the damage. “Tonight we will dedicate to fixing that skin of yours!”

“No way! MC obviously wants to come to play the new game I got today with me!” Levi shouts.

“Nuh-uh, they owe me and gotta come with me to the casino tonight!” Mammon yells back, as all the brothers grow irritated.

“MC, would you like to watch some detective movies with me, one of my larger felines attacked you and I feel as though I owe you,” Satan puts a hand on your shoulder. 

Belphie smacks Satan’s hand away and pulls MC against him, “guys they’re exhausted can we not do this right now…”

When Belphegor goes to ask what you want to do he is met with your closed eyes and steady breathing, mouth hung slightly ajar.

“...Yea we should have expected that but I get MC first when they wake up I call dibs, you can’t go against dibs!” Asmodeus continues the argument over who gets to hang out with MC first as Belphegor lays down and falls asleep with them.

You were just really fucking happy that you didn’t have to wear your mask and you could cuddle with people for the first time since March.


End file.
